Stargate SG-1 Fic

[unadrift]

Today, everything that doesn't pay the rent gets thrown out. Like stories that have been lying around lazily on my computer.


Title: Graced
Author: deltacephei
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~3500
Spoilers: Grace, Divide and Conquer and Paradise Lost
Disclaimer: Surprisingly, the Stargate characters are not my creation. I do not intend to make any money with this.

Notes: This is post-Grace, Jack-centered. It's gen, though there might be a bit of pre-slash thrown in, if you squint very very hard.

---

When the knock sounded through his house, Jack just knew who it would be. He opened the door anyway.

"Carter," he said.

After that weird talk in the infirmary he'd known she would approach him eventually. Jack still hadn't bought a clue to what was going on with her. Granted, she'd always been pensive, withdrawn even, from time to time. But that evening it had been worse.

And after that she'd changed, like someone had flicked a switch somewhere. Just like that. She wore the same clothes, make-up, hair-do, she looked different. She spoke the same way, fast, long-syllabilic, she sounded different.

Not that he minded, the new Sam Carter suited herself very well. He liked her. Well, even more than usual. But Jack was getting the impression that something was amiss. The spark in her eyes, a notch in the brightness of her smile, and always when directed at him. So, maybe he did mind. Maybe he wanted the old Carter back.

"Sir," she greeted him.

'Jack,' she'd whispered, lying in that infirmary bed, and the sound still rang in his ears sometimes.

"Come on in." He led her into the living room. "Want something to drink? A beer?"

"Yeah," she eagerly agreed and fidgeted with her small leather backpack. She was nervous, Jack realized, when he handed her the bottle. Carter grabbed it and took a gulp.

"So," he said and sank into the armchair opposite to her. "What are you doing here on your day off?"

"I, uh," she took a deep breath. "There’s something I need to tell you."

---

Strangely, proceedings on P5R-911 were terribly short of emergencies.

Emergencies of any kind.

Not even the toilet paper was in danger of running out. Daniel had packed enough coffee for battalion, Carter had, for once, remembered to bring all her important doohickeys, and Teal'c, as usual, didn't exactly add to the excitement.

It was exceptionally boring, Jack thought, while he was walking the perimeter. They'd had missions like this before, but none had ever gotten quite as much on his nerves.

He had time to think, and at the moment he'd have preferred some shooting Jaffa, a crazy snakehead, a rampant unas, or anything more distracting than just these damn trees. The next tree to cross Jack's way today was in serious danger of being kicked in the... trunk.

On second thought, Jack pondered, that for entertainment he'd go with the rampant unas. Daniel would like that. Daniel was also bored out of his mind - not that he would admit it. No ruins, no inscriptions, no strange people. Only some traces of minerals to keep Carter busy.

Carter. Jack so did not want to go there.

She'd dumped him. Dumped him.

In a sense, at least.

'It's not gonna happen' had to count for being dumped. It really should. Because it sure felt that way. Because it had been supposed to happen.

Of course, he hadn't been giving it any deeper thought during these last years. It had been a given. She had been a given. She'd been supposed to be there when he finally retired, when they'd be free to fraternize to their heart's content.

Sometimes he'd fantasised about that part - the body part - and regretted it in the mornings when he couldn't meet her eyes without remembering the feel of skin he'd never actually touched, and lips that had never really kissed his own. Well, not when their owners had both been in their right mind, anyway.

He wondered, not for the first time, whether Daniel sometimes had improper thoughts of Carter, too. He'd never dared to ask. Then again, he already knew the answer. She was like a sister to him.

Jack's path was leading him over a hill crest, wonderfully devoid of trees for a change. There were some, here and there, but nothing like at the foot of the hill, where the woods were thick and dark and somehow overwhelming.

Here and now he felt like he was able to breathe freely for the first time in days.

Jack could see the stargate over the treetops some distance away, where it sat on a plain field of grass strewn with little yellow flowers. Those reminded him sickeningly of that Utopia planet of Harry's.

They'd told him Carter had worked herself half to death to get him back from there. That she'd been close to breaking down. This proved it: she had to have feelings for him. She even cared for him more than she was supposed to. How he'd loved the fact that she'd used his phrase during her own testimony. It had been a clever weaselling around the 'l'-word. Or so he'd thought. Now, he wasn't so sure anymore. Maybe the 'l'-word had never been involved on her part.

'I used you' she'd explained to him, that sunday afternoon, and it had hurt. Still did.

'I'm sorry' hadn't done much to make it better.

All this flirting, the dance around each other, all just for show? To kid herself? He'd been a 'safe bet'?

Even after she'd dumped that on him, stomped all over him, he'd felt the temptation, the urge, to touch her. To push that errant strand of blonde hair from those sad, somewhat pitiful eyes. The urge was there. Even now... It was a hundred times worse now. Couldn't she stop being so damn attractive?

He could deal with wanting something he might have the chance to get his hands on sometime in the far future. But frankly, wanting what he would never get... It was driving him nuts.

Where would he be going when work at the SGC was over? His cabin? Would it be enough just to have fish for company? And to be honest, not even those, as Teal'c had been perceptive enough to find out. Alone at his cabin. No one for miles and miles and years to come. Jack was surprised to find out the thought terrified him. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. And he'd quietly assumed Carter would be the one to help him out there. Assumed, yeah. Assumed wrong, obviously.

His radio crackled, and he reached for it, incredibly thankful for the distraction. He was on the fast lane to 'seriously depressed' which he had no interest in following down any further than necessary.

"Jack, it's me, Daniel. I'm approaching you from the direction of the gate."

"That's from east," Jack couldn't resist to correct. He could easily imagine how Daniel would be rolling his eyes to that.

"Whatever. Just don't shoot me accidentally. Daniel out."

Well, if Daniel had managed the fine art of radio communication, Jack couldn't stand back there, could he. "Copy that," he confirmed unnecessarily and added, "Over and out," just for good measure.

Despite his dark mood, he smiled a little. It was always nice, pissing Daniel off.

"You know, Jack," Daniel gasped as he arrived on the hill crest, out of breath, "sometimes you really piss me off."

Which only led to Jack's smile growing a little wider. "I know."

In unspoken agreement they started walking.

---

They covered a good distance in silence.

"So, when are you going to tell me what bug crept up your ass?"

"Huh?" Jack needed a moment to process. Daniel wasn't usually this blunt.

"Your foul mood is getting on my nerves, Jack. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Jack answered shortly. He so didn't need this now.

But of course, Daniel wouldn't let it drop. "Was it something Sam did?"

Jack's head whipped around, and he could have kicked himself for it. Now, Daniel had to know he'd hit pay dirt. "What makes you think so?"

"You've been ignoring her all week. And she does her best to stay out of your way. Apart from your military gibberish, you two haven't exchanged a word in days."

"I didn't hear 'gibberish', did I." Jack stole a glance at Daniel and regretted it immediately. The stare he got in exchange broadcasted its message loud and clear: This was not the time for jokes.

"I just get the feeling..." Daniel's voice trailed off. "Are you hurting?" he then asked.

There was a sharp, involuntary intake of breath, and Jack couldn't for the world form a truthful answer to that question. Lying wasn't a possibility, not with Daniel.

After a moment of silence, Daniel continued. "I mean, usually, with you and Sam, I would expect it to be the other way round. You're not exactly the sensitivity in person."

Jack released the breath he'd been holding. This, he knew how to deal with. "Well, thanks, Daniel. Feel free to stop cheering me up any time now."

"I'm not trying to cheer you up," Daniel said coldly. "I'm trying to get to the bottom of this - whatever there is between you two."

"There's nothing," Jack answered truthfully. He couldn't help the bitter tone creeping into his voice. Neither could he stop the frustrated kick his foot delivered to an innocent little stone that happened to lie in the way. It felt vaguely satisfying, though, especially as the stone hit one of the few trees around.

Daniel eyed him thoughtfully. "And that's the problem, isn't it?"

Damn this guy for being so damn perceptive. Jack gritted his teeth and accelerated his step. He had to get away from this.

"Jack, wait."

Faster. He had to go faster.

"SG-1 can't go on like this." Daniel was still next to him. Wasn't this a good time for the rampant unas to enter the scene? Jack started jogging. Daniel was falling back slowly. Finally.

"I can't go on like this," Daniel shouted after him. "I'll report this to the general if I must!"

Jack slowed to a halt. "You wouldn't," he demanded, half turning.

"You know I would."

And Jack did know. He watched the stargate motionlessly - still a nice view in that rich green field - until Daniel caught up with him.

"Are you ready to talk now?"

"No. But has that ever stopped you before?"

"True," Daniel conceded and steered Jack back to the path. "Now, spill."

Jack wrecked his mind for a way around this conversation and came up empty. Then he struggled for words that wouldn't come.

"I know it's hard, opening up. You're not that kind of person. Neither am I." Daniel looked at him with such understanding Jack wanted to go somewhere quiet and private and throw up. "Jack, you know I'm just returning the favour. You've done this for me, and I'll be forever grateful for that."

"But I really don't wanna talk about it."

"Neither did I at the time. But you were right then. And I am right now. You need to talk about whatever occupies your mind."

Jack hated when Daniel was reasonable. Too often that made Jack see his point, because usually he was right - and much too insistent. Jack could as well take it as a man and go for it.

"Apparently, when Sam was lost in space with the Prometheus, she had an epiphany, concerning her affection for me, the one she couldn't have, the excuse to deny herself love and avoid getting hurt." There, it was out, flippantly delivered, and all on one breath. Somehow, Jack felt even worse. But what the hell. He gripped his P90 hard. "She told me 'Sorry, it's not gonna happen.'"

Daniel was silent for a moment - processing, no doubt. "It being?"

Jack shrugged. "My retirement, me, her, doing the relationship thing." He glanced at Daniel. "Surprised?"

"Hardly. You think I'm blind, and dumb as well?"

"Why ask, if you already know?"

"Because you needed to say it out loud."

"Nice of you to grant me that option," Jack retorted sarcastically. Sometimes Daniel was worse than a shrink, possibly because he knew Jack better than any shrink ever would.

"Was I that obvious?"

"Oh, come on," Daniel snorted. "You two might have fooled outsiders, but not me. Or Teal'c." His voice was level, emotionless even. Jack got the impression he was missing something. Something big. Searching Daniel's eyes was out of option, Daniel kept staring straight ahead.

"We two?" Jack realized an instant later. "So it wasn't just me?"

"No, it wasn't," Daniel assured him, and it was really quite reassuring, because Jack had been starting to wonder whether he'd imagined parts of the mutual attraction. Mainly her parts.

"Then I don't understand what's changed," he said. Calmly, of course - because he sure as hell wasn't whining.

"Nothing, probably." Daniel took a deep breath, opened his mouth and closed it again.

"What?" Jack queried.

"What what?"

"You were going to say something else. What?"

Daniel hesitated, breathed deeply again. "Sam has just come to her senses."

Jack stopped dead in his stride. "What?!" He couldn't have heard that right. He was hurting here, hadn't they more or less established that? And Daniel had nothing better to do than rub salt into his wounds?

"What do you mean, come to her senses?"

Daniel ducked his head. "You shouldn't get this wrong, Jack..."

"What, there's a way to get this right?"

This was... unflattering, from Daniel of all people. Jack was...he didn't know, really. He inspected his feelings, which was a rather rare occurrence, and found... disappointment. Whether that was an appropriate feeling for this kind of situation, he wasn't quite sure. Hurt, okay. Rage, maybe. But disappointment? That Daniel didn't think of him as prime relationship material?

"This has nothing to do with you..."

"How's that?" Jack retorted acidly.

"Uhm." Under different circumstances it would have been enjoyable to watch Daniel struggle to get himself out of the hole he'd dug and willingly jumped into. "It's the situation, Jack. It has nothing to do with you as a person."

"I can only repeat myself: How's that?"

Daniel sighed. "At the moment, you and Sam are both alone. You're forbidden to do anything about your, you know... How long, Jack?"

"How long what?"

"How long were you going to wait?"

"As long as necessary." That was obvious, wasn't it.

"And that would have been how long? Neither of you were prepared to give up their jobs, and frankly, you'd have been crazy to do it. So the you and her would have been what, maybe five years away? Ten? What kind of a timeframe is that? You can't honestly have expected her to wait that long. Sam is still young, but if she wants a family, children... In five years it could be too late for that."

Jack listened, stunned. He had to admit to himself he'd never actually thought that far. A family. Of course, Carter might want children. Jack didn't, not anymore. He wondered fleetingly why he hadn't given this any thought before. It was serious business. Things basic to a relationship. The realization made him uneasy, especially as things seemed to be coming down to wrong assumptions again.

"And how would this situation have been bearable for the two of you in the future? Think about it, Jack. Imagine it." Daniel gestured animatedly. "More years of being alone, Sam in an arm's reach but yet off limits. Even though you work together, see each other every day, practically live in each others' pockets most of the time, there's still no way of being together..." Daniel stilled. And again, Jack had this feeling he was missing something. "How could Sam bear this any longer? And you? How long could you stand it?"

'It worked fine up to now' was on the tip of Jack's tongue, but he didn't dare say it. He didn't say anything at all.

"This has already cost you so much," Daniel continued quietly. "It was about time one of you woke up and smelled the coffee. You should be glad you know where you stand now. You'll both be free to find yourselves a life."

"I had a good one," Jack reminded him darkly.

"Oh, you had a good one? So your good life is over because Sam smashed your romantic future plans? That’s so pathetic." Daniel laughed humourlessly. "What you had, Jack, were illusions. Admit it to yourself. You're smart enough to know you and Sam never really had a future. Not in this universe."

Daniel's matter-of-fact words shocked Jack to the core, hitting him like the snowball that pushed the disastrous avalanche loose. Jack's mind started working, really working, rationally through this. This was sensible reasoning. If he had bothered to think about it, to consider the circumstances, their careers, Carter, himself, he would have come to all the same conclusions.

It enraged Jack to no avail.

"Who are you to..." he shouted at Daniel who didn't bat an eyelid. "You don't know anything!"

Daniel reached out a hand and touched Jack's shoulder lightly. It took Jack every ounce of willpower he had not to shrug it off. The understanding in Daniel's voice betrayed the meaning of his words, and it was kind of sickening, too. "Wallow in self pity as long as you want. But stop giving Sam shit for probably the most sensible decision she's ever made."

Daniel patted his shoulder and turned on his heel.

Jack watched him leave, rage and frustration burning within him, and yet he couldn't think of a single justified insult to yell at Daniel's back.

Daniel, who'd obviously given this subject a lot of thought. Naturally, every single thing flying out of his mouth had hit home. How could Jack have not realized? How had he managed to avoid sensible thought? This had been about Carter, too.

Selfish. In the end, he'd been as selfish as she had. Jack had been assuming where Sam had been pretending, and they'd played into each other's hollow fantasies. Not so much of a difference there, they'd both been kidding themselves.

It would have been nice, though. They would have worked out nice, Jack was sure. In another universe, as Daniel had stated, Jack and Sam, opposites attracting, would have gotten on like a house on fire - in the most positive possible way. They'd even seen it with their own eyes, and hadn't that been fuel for the flames.

It's the situation, Jack repeated Daniel's words in his head. Not me. And not Sam being uncharacteristically dumb, but bright as usual. He had to take Daniel's word for it.

As he watched Daniel disappear between the trees down at the hill, the rage had subsided, leaving Jack numb.

How long could one be that angry at oneself, anyway?

After a few more minutes, which Jack spent staring at a damn tree, he'd gathered himself sufficiently to slip back into routine.

So, it was not going to happen. He'd have to accept that eventually, though probably later rather than sooner. It would take... not a lifetime, hopefully, but close enough.

Jack resumed his perimeter walk, more slowly, all the while trying not to think too hard about his life, the future, or anything else similarly depressing.

---

When Jack arrived at the camp the sun had already set, and the stars were coming out.

There was a fire crackling - probably Teal'c's doing - and his team was gathered around. Daniel was scribbling in his notebook, though the reason for that eluded Jack completely. Daniel couldn't possibly have found anything remotely interesting here, so what was that scribbling all about? Teal'c seemed to be kel'no'reeming, which was most certainly a deceiving appearance - Jack knew for sure he usually did that in his tent where he had peace and quiet to concentrate.

"So, Carter, what's for dinner?" he announced his arrival.

Being addressed, by name, for the first time in about a week, she actually flinched in surprise. Jack felt more than a pang of guilt.

"Uh. There's some maccaroni with cheese left, I think," she answered after a moment, rummaging through the box with the MREs. "And curry chicken. Everything else is fresh out, sorry."

Teal'c opened his eyes and regarded Jack with a look that came suspiciously close to relief - a sentiment which showed clearly in Daniel's face. Jack hadn't been that much of an ass, had he?

"Just fine, Carter. I take the maccaroni," he said. "Daniel will enjoy the chicken."

"Somehow I doubt that," she commented, almost smiling.

Jack scrunched up his nose. "You wouldn't believe what I've seen him eating..."

"Yes, we would," Teal'c interrupted quickly.

Sam waved a hand. "That's the story with the giant grilled lizard thing, isn't it, sir. We've heard that before."

Jack very nearly flinched at the ‘sir’, but recovered quickly, grumbling, "Damn the audience."

Daniel regarded him with a thankful little smile. Patronizing as it seemed, that gesture should have pissed Jack off, but somehow it didn’t.

"It really did taste like chicken," Daniel threw in, grinning now.

The corners of Jack’s mouth twitched. He stole a glance at Sam and Teal’c and realized he'd missed this feeling of togetherness, the quiet comfort of the teams’ company. And he'd been too preoccupied to even notice it had been gone.

They sat around the fire, eating, enjoying a close to comfortable silence. Jack was glad it seemed to be enough for them, because he had reached his end of possible amends for now. There was only so far Jack could go in one day. And it wasn't easy, not at all.

She looked too damn good in the firelight.


- end -